Movie Review: Mundo Depravados

Once again, a cinematic masterpiece from the folks at Something Weird video. The title means "World of the Depraved". It stars famed ecdysiast Tempest Storm, a lot of women with names like Dee Dee and Bunny, "and introducing to the screen Johnnie Decker and Larry Reed." Who Johnnie and Larry are when they're at home is a mystery to me. Apparently it wasn't much of an introduction. It even has a special guest appearance by Robert Morris. Alert the media! Juanita Griffith is the hair stylist; I only mention this because anyone who can inhale as much AquaNet as she must have in the filming of this movie and live deserves a special mention. She may be related to the producer, whose name is also Griffith, and Herb Jefferies does the heavy lifting in the director department.

Our movie opens with a guy in a phone booth making a perv call to Arlene Marshall. Arlene has big eyes and lots of hairspray. Perv guy asks, "Do you know what I'd like to do to you?" Apparently Arlene doesn't, because instead of hanging up, she runs downstairs onto the street. She leaves the apartment at top speed, but then when she gets to the street she begins walking. Perv guy is wearing a trench coat, gloves, fedora, and off-white Chuck Taylor low-tops. Since it's summertime, he stands out. He follows her into a conveniently-abandoned mannequin factory, and stabs her.

Two of law enforcement's finest, Ham and Riley (get it, Ham and Rye-ley), arrive at the crime scene. They can't figure out what killed poor Arlene, since there are no strangle marks. Apparently the multiple stab wounds don't jump out at them. The Medical Examiner notes that she's not wearing a bra, although she did at one time. His forensic skill enables him to pin down the time of death, but only after he's told that there was a disturbance in Arlene's apartment (the perv call) at 10:15, and the watchman found Arlene's body at 10:20.

This is a classy movie - there's even a narrator. He informs us that this city has a million eyes, which either makes it a city with 500,000 people, or a million pirates. Yet there are millions of cars, so who is driving all these vehicles? These eyes listen, but they do not hear. They feel, but they do not touch. Narrator didn't learn about the five senses in school.

Ham finds a chauffeur's hat, and Riley 'remembers' that the parking lot attendant at the Gaiety Theater wears one. Thank the stars that they have an excuse to go to a burly-q joint! And who should happen to be appearing at the Gaiety? Why none other than Tango (Tempest Storm), who is "stacked like a 1987 locomotive." I'm not sure what that means, but I gather it means a good thing. The boys go to the Gaiety to find the chauffeur cap owner, who goes by the moniker Hotshot. Hotshot likes to sneak backstage to glim the bims, even though he's not supposed to.

Hotshot looks like a 30-year old Beaver Cleaver with about 200 extra pounds. He picks up one of Tango's stockings and puts it in his pocket before the boys show up. Riley talks with Pop, the sawed-off emcee who talks around a cigar about half his size, who tips the boys they can grab up Hotshot sneaking out the stage door. Hotshot claims the cap is his, but then says someone must have stolen it. He knows Arlene, who is an exercise girl on a fitness show. Hotshot emotes the full gamut of A to B on the news of Arlene's demise. Ham's mad because they don't get to see any boobies.

Exercise guru Ray Revere is filming his exercise show, sans Arlene of course. Ray does 4 jumping jacks, 4 trunk twisters, and calls it a show. Seems to me that his viewers are probably not terribly fit, but Ray says, "For youth and beauty year after year, follow the course of Ray Revere." Ray has a better way raising his pulse - he has holes cut in the wall so he can peep into his exercise girls' dressing room. Enter Ham and Riley, but Ray shrewdly covers up the peephole. Ham and Riley, after watching the girls work out, interview them looking for clues. The boys have a jolly time chatting up Babette, Connie, and a French unibrow girl, but Ham doesn't get far with Connie because she's deaf-mute. He thinks it's great to meet a woman that can't talk and proposes to her, showing just what a swell guy he is.

The boys head back to the Gaiety, where Riley has to help a peroxide princess into her costume. Pop can't see the catches anymore. Ham cops a feel, and he's lucky not to get a pastie up his nose, since peroxide princess is about 3 inches and a beehive taller than him. The boys don't tarry though - they need to talk to Tango.

Tango shows why she's top draw in the burly-q world; she's bustacious without the help of silicone. She's got the biggest hair in the movie too. Tango's just not boobs and beehive though - she's a business woman who runs a health club (Tango's Temple). She's one of Ray Revere's sponsors, and Ray even teaches a class one hour a week at the Temple. One hopes he gives Tango more than 4 jumping jacks. The boys leave, but Ham tries the old "Oh yeah, one more question" trick. He's too slow though, and still doesn't get to see any boobies.

All the girls give a push on Bert the elevator operator at the TV studio; they think he's perv material but might not have the guts to act on it. PerBert has a whole collection of porno, much to Ham's delight, but he's probably not the guy. Meanwhile, Tango puts a lot of leotard girls through their paces at the 'gym'. It's one of those places with the vibrating belts & roller machines that are supposed to pound the flab off. The rest of the exercise girls have a kaffeeklatch without coffee. It's Edna's birthday, and she's also inherited some scratch from a dead grandma, so she decides to wisely invest it in 10 bottles of champagne. Objective: a party with "just us girls".

Back at the precinct, Ham & Riley bemoan the fact that every suspect so far has alibied out. Ham, weary of police work, mentions that he could have gone into show business. His talent? Imitations. He does Eddie "Rochester" Anderson, Walter Brennan, Topo Gigio, and Louis Armstrong. Actually, he TRIES to do them; I've talked with lady bar flies halfway through a pack of Chesterfields who sounded more like any of the above than Ham does. Riley does a decent Ed Sullivan, gives Ham a smack in the head and tells him to get his mind back on the case.

The girls are partying hearty, swilling champagne from paper cups as only classy dames can. Edna decides she "has half a mind to climb on that coffee table and do a wild dance." PerBert, looking quite dapper in his dressiest windbreaker, watches through the vent grill as Edna peels to black lace panties and frugs with abandon. The rest of the girls berate Edna for leaving her panties on, because after all, "a strip is a strip!" So Edna (turning her back to the camera - this is the '60s) ditches the drawers and continues shimmying like her sister Kate. Poor PerBert suffers from chest pains after this racy display of peeling, and has just recovered when he peeps in on some previously unidentified couple gettin' busy. Where these two came from, no one knows. I think the director just cut the scene in so he could up the boobie count by two.

Poor Edna, ditched by her gal pals, has passed out on the couch. PerBert comes in to steal a nylon and sniff her hair. Edna wakes up, and PerBert confesses he watched her strip the previous night. Edna kicks his ass and beats him with a gold cha cha heel.

The boys come up with the most revolutionary plan in law enforcement. Since it's another full moon, and "the sex monster will probably strike again in the park," they decide to put two policewomen in the park as decoys. Then, in a flash of brilliance, they tell "everyone else involved in the case to stay home." My stars, how many master criminals could have been thwarted if potential victims had just stayed home? Since the policewomen have the park covered, Ham suggests they go to the Gaiety to keep an eye on Tango.

Babette (one of the exercise girls - blond bubble flip hairdo, white granny panties) needs a clean blouse for the show tomorrow, but Edna says to stay in her room. Babette promises to be careful, and if she runs into PerBert, she'll send him up to Edna. What a pal. Down in the catacombs by the laundry room, sure enough, the sex monster kills Babette, and shoves her into a crawlspace. A maid scares him off, and the Dynamic Duo arrive just too late to prevent the killing. The boys find the killer's gloves, but other than that don't have much more to go on than they did before. PerBert shows up, making himself ideal suspect number one by asking what they're doing with his gloves. The boys take him downtown; Ham sets the stage for the interrogation as the good cop by promising "more dirty pictures."

Tango and Ray do some deadpan emoting over the death of Babette. They decide to call off classes for the week, but Tango's going to keep twirling tassels at the Gaiety. "Whether someone lives or dies, the show must go on." Edna storms down to the precinct to save PerBert. She figures any guy whose ass she can kick doesn't have the stones to kill a girl. Edna makes PerBert leave the room, and explains to the boys that PerBert "could have killed her anytime, but didn't." He didn't take her bra, either. Somehow I don't think most lawyers would look at that as a slam-dunk alibi. But the boys buy off on it, and release him in the custody of Edna.

The Dynamic Duo head down to the Gaiety; Ham's gonna finally get to see some boobies. Tango does her act, peeling out of a fringed black lace bustier that is an engineering marvel. Ham's eyes bulge like Marty Feldman on speed. But this is the '60s, so peelers never take it ALL off. Tango has an accomplice come onstage and pretend to kill her, which is part of her secret plan. Riley opines that maybe the sex monster won't appreciate it. Ham comes up with the brilliant idea that maybe TANGO is the sex monster. The boys head back to the crime scene to talk with the maid. She tells them it was no way a woman. Not even a big ol' gal like Tango.

Connie (the deaf exercise girl) finds a gym bag filled with bras. Instead of telling the police, she decides to continue her workout. She then hits the showers, and heads up to Tango's office. But in passing through the exercise room, the sex monster knocks her out and puts her on the ab machine.

Ham & Riley try to dissuade Tango from doing her sex monster act, thinking it will inflame the killer to come after her. Tango wants this to happen; she's an old burly-q trouper. "We girls in burlesque know how to handle all kinds of men!" She promises that even if he kills her, she'll mark him up bad enough to make him easily identifiable. Tango then decides that Connie takes too long in the shower and goes to check on her. Naturally she screams, finds Connie, and vows revenge.

Later that evening, Ham goes to the Gaiety to fetch Tango. They have to go to the precinct to plot and plan, since Tango's dressing room might be bugged. Where they suddenly got this idea is beyond me. Tango has a hunch she knows the killer. On the way out, they run into Ray Revere backstage. Who knew Ray was such a fan? Could this portend a plot development? At the precinct, the boys decide that Tango is going to wear a wire. But here's the rub: the bug won't work inside the Gaiety. So Tango has to try to lure the killer outside in the park. Tango smokes a Winston, starts to leave, but goes back inside for her purse. Knowing something isn't right, she takes off her shoes. Lo and behold, it's the sex monster. Tango throws some shoe-fu on him, and knocks the sex monster out with a sandbag. The Dynamic Duo arrive and unmask killer Ray Revere. Ham asks Tango for a date, and she accepts.

I guess I've figured out who Johnnie Decker and Larry Reed are. Why anyone felt they had the chops to make a movie is any one's guess. The real star of this movie was Tempest Storm and "her 44-inch Hollywood pleasure chest."

Movie Review: The Alley Tramp

The Alley Tramp, one of the many bizarre releases from the folks at Something Weird Video. It's partnered with Over 18... And Ready, which I may review at another time.

The cast members and crew all seem to have French names, and the story is directed by Armand Parys. Which is a pseudonym for Herschell Gordon Lewis.

The movie opens with a young lady (Marie) doing the frug to some mid-6os instrumental music on a hi-fi. I mean the kind of record player that's actually a piece of furniture; the top slides open and you reach down inside to put the record on. The apartment doesn't look French; I lived in France and I don't know ANYONE who had plastic covers on their lampshades.

Soon some boho-looking chick (Janine) with ironed hair and a nose like Charles DeGaulle comes over to invite her to the movies. They both bemoan how strict their parents have become since they've turned 16. (A pretty old looking 16 - they look like cosmetology school students to me) Then 'cousin' Phil comes to return some records. Janine thinks he's quite hunky. Apparently so does Marie, as she takes pains to point out they're 'only 3rd cousins. Hardly related.'

Janine splits, and Phil tells Marie about the drunken boinkfest his parents went to the night before. Marie asks Phil if he's a virgin; he doesn't answer out of embarassment, which obviously means he is. Marie's mom shows up, and if I'm any judge, she's been out for throo or tee martoonis with the girls. The admiring glances she throws at Phil's departing tushie also mark her for a bim. The girls go to the kitchen where Moms is going to teach little Marie to make martinis for Pops.

After supper, beehived Moms jumps into Pop's lap and they start mugging it up at the table until Marie comes in. Of course, since it's an apartment the kitchen's only 4 feet away, so I'm not sure how much privacy they expected. Marie splits for the movies, and the folks discuss if 16 years old built-for-speed Marie thinks about sex. Pops thinks it's impossible. Pops is more of a dullard than Moms.

Giggling, more liquor, and inexplicable camera shots of the endtables ensue. Moms can't hold her liquor - she proves it by spilling her nth martini on Pops. Moms is quite liberated for the early 60s, as shown by her lack of a bra. Moms & Pops get busy, and the Aqua-Net on Moms' head wilts. She's looking like Phyllis Diller doing the dying cockroach when Marie comes home and spies them through the doorway.

Marie goes to her room, ditches her knee sox and checks out her reflection in the mirror in a pair of panties that has more fabric in them than a parachute. She then lies in bed cuddling her teddy bear and wondering if Phil has ever done the deed. "It sounds so violent!"

Next day, Phil comes over 'to study.' Moms is out oiling her liver, so Marie asks Philsy to stay for supper. She doffs her parochial school plaid skirt and slips into a mini, but not before admiring her reflection in another pair of granny panties. Marie has a large poster of Marilyn Monroe next to her dresser, which is curious wall decor for a 16 year old. Marie, like Moms, has no use for bras when there's a hunk around.

Phil, being the bright guy he is, picks up on the fact that Marie's skirt has less material than her panties, and has trouble concentrating on the French homework they're working on. The panties seem to have a life of their own, since they magically reappeared on her after she left them on the bedroom floor. Of course, maybe she put them on during the inexplicable camera shot of the teddy bear and record player...

Marie tells Phil she wants to imitate what she saw Moms and Pops doing the night before. It's unclear if they succeed, since next thing we know they're at an amusement park. Lots of Chicago carnival stock footage ensues. Cut to a park: "She played the game with Phil. Too young to be in love; too old not to know about it." Apparently the game involves chasing each other to the point that Phil gets a stitch in his side and looks like he's about to hurl. Phil is in worse shape than any teenager I've ever met. He collapses, and Marie takes the opportunity to check out his tighty-whities. "Phil, let's make love while we're all out of breath." Yeah, dripping sweat and hawking up phlegm makes her HOTT!

Next morning, Moms imitates a hungover shrew, rousts Marie out of her chenille-spread bed, and asks Pops why he's working late so often. Pops has to work late to cover her liquor and Aqua Net bills, it seems. Or maybe it's because he's chasing his flat-butted secretary, Darlene, around the office. Darlene doesn't seem to consume nearly as much hairspray as Moms.

It's at this point we learn Moms has a name (Lily). Lily is in a gin mill pounding down Old Fashioneds. She knows Pops must have a goom on the side so she decides to pick up the first thing with a tattoo and a Denny Hastert accent. She hooks up with Herbie, who's a real sport. He buys her a scotch and water, sweet talks her ("You're my kind of broad!"), and chugs a bottle of Schlitz while Lily writes her phone number on a napkin. Herbie is a class act.

Lily is in the tub trying to sweat out the scotch when the school calls. Marie has been cutting school, but Lily can't be bothered to go down there. She calls Pops (who we finally learn is named Fred), since she's "got an appointment [she] can't break." Herbie comes by for some afternoon delight. Lily is sporting a nightgown that appears to be made of Saran Wrap.

Later, Lily and Fred argue about Marie some more, and Fred is about to burst the knot on his
3/4 inch wide necktie, when Marie comes home. Marie admits to ditching school for no good reason. Fred stupidly asks what Marie and Phil have been doing when they cut school. Marie (who is "no baby anymore") tells them she's a woman now and will do what she wants. Lily thinks Marie and Phil haven't done anything yet, and calls Philsy's folks to put the kibosh on the romance.

Lily breaks out the Saran Wrap nightie and tries to entice Fred. Fred wants none of it. Phil and Marie find a motel just off the Loop and start the hippity dippity once more. Phil starts getting the guilts about getting busy - he loves Marie and wants to get married, which is all the excitement he wants. Marie scoffs.

Cut back to Herbie flinging the Saran Wrap nightie across the room, and giving Lily a slap ("That's the way you like it baby. Real rough.") Marie inconveniently comes home, and hears the Mattress Mambo playing. Post rut, Herbie is at the table drinking a beer, and Marie (who tells Herbie her name is Lolita) says she heard him "checking the plumbing." Marie wants to know if he can make her scream "Herbie" like Moms did. Herbie, who's so far the brightest character in the movie, demurs. For about 7 seconds. "Like mudda, like daughta."

Marie throws her training bra and tries to do an imitation "I Dream of Jeannie" dance, but soon they're rubbing the nap off the chenille bedspread. Herbie is having a Pall Mall when Lily comes in, and his parting witticism is, again, "Like mudda, like daughta." Marie then puts Lily on notice that she's going to do whatever she wants or she's telling Fred everything.

Lots of cutaways shots ensue, which can be summarized as follows: Phil and Marie get busy, Fred and Darlene get busy, Herbie and Lily get busy, Herbie and Marie get busy, and then all of the sudden Marie's in the OB-GYN's office telling him that she'll bring her "husband" in to talk about the baby. She plans to go to "that pharmacist on Elm Street" to get an abortion, and she wants to use the money Phil's been saving for a car.

Next thing we know, Marie is lying on the living room floor dying from an Elm Street abortion. An ambulance apparently gets her to the hospital just in time, where Lily and Fred tell her that they've been bad parents, but now have no objection to Marie marrying her cousin in a year or two. "Third cousins CAN get married. This way we'll keep it in the family." The folks leave, and the doc comes in on his rounds, and Marie demonstrates she's still a superfreak.

Back to the OB-GYN, who apparently doubles as a shrink. He explains that Marie would be better off in a mental institution, since she suffers from nymphomania. Fred and Lily look at each other like they've been told she has cancer. She can be helped. "With proper medical care I'm sure Marie can be a happy healthy girl." Fred and Lily promise to make up to provide the healthy home life that Marie will need, lest she slip into the clutches of nymphomania again.

So why exactly was this called "The Alley Tramp"? Marie was obviously kinda trampy, because that's who ended up pregnant in 60s movies, but she wasn't THAT trampy. She only slept with two guys, one of whom wanted to marry her. And they never did it in an alley. I could see if they called it "Chenille Bedspread Tramp" or "Picnic Area Tramp" or maybe even "Last Motel Before the Loop Tramp".

Bottom line: it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen. Lots of lounge music, big hair, and a surprising amount of bralessness.