The Alley Tramp, one of the many bizarre releases from the folks at Something Weird Video. It's partnered with Over 18... And Ready, which I may review at another time.
The cast members and crew all seem to have French names, and the story is directed by Armand Parys. Which is a pseudonym for Herschell Gordon Lewis.
The movie opens with a young lady (Marie) doing the frug to some mid-6os instrumental music on a hi-fi. I mean the kind of record player that's actually a piece of furniture; the top slides open and you reach down inside to put the record on. The apartment doesn't look French; I lived in France and I don't know ANYONE who had plastic covers on their lampshades.
Soon some boho-looking chick (Janine) with ironed hair and a nose like Charles DeGaulle comes over to invite her to the movies. They both bemoan how strict their parents have become since they've turned 16. (A pretty old looking 16 - they look like cosmetology school students to me) Then 'cousin' Phil comes to return some records. Janine thinks he's quite hunky. Apparently so does Marie, as she takes pains to point out they're 'only 3rd cousins. Hardly related.'
Janine splits, and Phil tells Marie about the drunken boinkfest his parents went to the night before. Marie asks Phil if he's a virgin; he doesn't answer out of embarassment, which obviously means he is. Marie's mom shows up, and if I'm any judge, she's been out for throo or tee martoonis with the girls. The admiring glances she throws at Phil's departing tushie also mark her for a bim. The girls go to the kitchen where Moms is going to teach little Marie to make martinis for Pops.
After supper, beehived Moms jumps into Pop's lap and they start mugging it up at the table until Marie comes in. Of course, since it's an apartment the kitchen's only 4 feet away, so I'm not sure how much privacy they expected. Marie splits for the movies, and the folks discuss if 16 years old built-for-speed Marie thinks about sex. Pops thinks it's impossible. Pops is more of a dullard than Moms.
Giggling, more liquor, and inexplicable camera shots of the endtables ensue. Moms can't hold her liquor - she proves it by spilling her nth martini on Pops. Moms is quite liberated for the early 60s, as shown by her lack of a bra. Moms & Pops get busy, and the Aqua-Net on Moms' head wilts. She's looking like Phyllis Diller doing the dying cockroach when Marie comes home and spies them through the doorway.
Marie goes to her room, ditches her knee sox and checks out her reflection in the mirror in a pair of panties that has more fabric in them than a parachute. She then lies in bed cuddling her teddy bear and wondering if Phil has ever done the deed. "It sounds so violent!"
Next day, Phil comes over 'to study.' Moms is out oiling her liver, so Marie asks Philsy to stay for supper. She doffs her parochial school plaid skirt and slips into a mini, but not before admiring her reflection in another pair of granny panties. Marie has a large poster of Marilyn Monroe next to her dresser, which is curious wall decor for a 16 year old. Marie, like Moms, has no use for bras when there's a hunk around.
Phil, being the bright guy he is, picks up on the fact that Marie's skirt has less material than her panties, and has trouble concentrating on the French homework they're working on. The panties seem to have a life of their own, since they magically reappeared on her after she left them on the bedroom floor. Of course, maybe she put them on during the inexplicable camera shot of the teddy bear and record player...
Marie tells Phil she wants to imitate what she saw Moms and Pops doing the night before. It's unclear if they succeed, since next thing we know they're at an amusement park. Lots of Chicago carnival stock footage ensues. Cut to a park: "She played the game with Phil. Too young to be in love; too old not to know about it." Apparently the game involves chasing each other to the point that Phil gets a stitch in his side and looks like he's about to hurl. Phil is in worse shape than any teenager I've ever met. He collapses, and Marie takes the opportunity to check out his tighty-whities. "Phil, let's make love while we're all out of breath." Yeah, dripping sweat and hawking up phlegm makes her HOTT!
Next morning, Moms imitates a hungover shrew, rousts Marie out of her chenille-spread bed, and asks Pops why he's working late so often. Pops has to work late to cover her liquor and Aqua Net bills, it seems. Or maybe it's because he's chasing his flat-butted secretary, Darlene, around the office. Darlene doesn't seem to consume nearly as much hairspray as Moms.
It's at this point we learn Moms has a name (Lily). Lily is in a gin mill pounding down Old Fashioneds. She knows Pops must have a goom on the side so she decides to pick up the first thing with a tattoo and a Denny Hastert accent. She hooks up with Herbie, who's a real sport. He buys her a scotch and water, sweet talks her ("You're my kind of broad!"), and chugs a bottle of Schlitz while Lily writes her phone number on a napkin. Herbie is a class act.
Lily is in the tub trying to sweat out the scotch when the school calls. Marie has been cutting school, but Lily can't be bothered to go down there. She calls Pops (who we finally learn is named Fred), since she's "got an appointment [she] can't break." Herbie comes by for some afternoon delight. Lily is sporting a nightgown that appears to be made of Saran Wrap.
Later, Lily and Fred argue about Marie some more, and Fred is about to burst the knot on his
3/4 inch wide necktie, when Marie comes home. Marie admits to ditching school for no good reason. Fred stupidly asks what Marie and Phil have been doing when they cut school. Marie (who is "no baby anymore") tells them she's a woman now and will do what she wants. Lily thinks Marie and Phil haven't done anything yet, and calls Philsy's folks to put the kibosh on the romance.
Lily breaks out the Saran Wrap nightie and tries to entice Fred. Fred wants none of it. Phil and Marie find a motel just off the Loop and start the hippity dippity once more. Phil starts getting the guilts about getting busy - he loves Marie and wants to get married, which is all the excitement he wants. Marie scoffs.
Cut back to Herbie flinging the Saran Wrap nightie across the room, and giving Lily a slap ("That's the way you like it baby. Real rough.") Marie inconveniently comes home, and hears the Mattress Mambo playing. Post rut, Herbie is at the table drinking a beer, and Marie (who tells Herbie her name is Lolita) says she heard him "checking the plumbing." Marie wants to know if he can make her scream "Herbie" like Moms did. Herbie, who's so far the brightest character in the movie, demurs. For about 7 seconds. "Like mudda, like daughta."
Marie throws her training bra and tries to do an imitation "I Dream of Jeannie" dance, but soon they're rubbing the nap off the chenille bedspread. Herbie is having a Pall Mall when Lily comes in, and his parting witticism is, again, "Like mudda, like daughta." Marie then puts Lily on notice that she's going to do whatever she wants or she's telling Fred everything.
Lots of cutaways shots ensue, which can be summarized as follows: Phil and Marie get busy, Fred and Darlene get busy, Herbie and Lily get busy, Herbie and Marie get busy, and then all of the sudden Marie's in the OB-GYN's office telling him that she'll bring her "husband" in to talk about the baby. She plans to go to "that pharmacist on Elm Street" to get an abortion, and she wants to use the money Phil's been saving for a car.
Next thing we know, Marie is lying on the living room floor dying from an Elm Street abortion. An ambulance apparently gets her to the hospital just in time, where Lily and Fred tell her that they've been bad parents, but now have no objection to Marie marrying her cousin in a year or two. "Third cousins CAN get married. This way we'll keep it in the family." The folks leave, and the doc comes in on his rounds, and Marie demonstrates she's still a superfreak.
Back to the OB-GYN, who apparently doubles as a shrink. He explains that Marie would be better off in a mental institution, since she suffers from nymphomania. Fred and Lily look at each other like they've been told she has cancer. She can be helped. "With proper medical care I'm sure Marie can be a happy healthy girl." Fred and Lily promise to make up to provide the healthy home life that Marie will need, lest she slip into the clutches of nymphomania again.
So why exactly was this called "The Alley Tramp"? Marie was obviously kinda trampy, because that's who ended up pregnant in 60s movies, but she wasn't THAT trampy. She only slept with two guys, one of whom wanted to marry her. And they never did it in an alley. I could see if they called it "Chenille Bedspread Tramp" or "Picnic Area Tramp" or maybe even "Last Motel Before the Loop Tramp".
Bottom line: it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen. Lots of lounge music, big hair, and a surprising amount of bralessness.
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